Friday, March 16, 2018

Life Lately

Hey!! It's been a little bit since I've done a life update post (besides the last one I did that centered around Josiah & his little world). In the last 6 weeks or so since I posted that, life does what it always does...and it went on. I kind of took a step back from some of my responsibilities and have been trying to let everything else fall to the wayside a little while I readjust and we try to navigate through all of this. So here's what we've been up to.

Josiah has had a few doctor visits since our last update and he also started speech and physical therapy just this week. It took a few weeks to see his doctor, have him evaluated, get the referral for therapy, and have insurance approve it, but I can already see progress being made. I actually noticed almost an immediate difference in him as soon as we started talking about some of his problems, and a lot of it has to do with how we're all interacting with him now. It's almost like as soon as we became "aware" that there was a problem, it started to turn around a little. NOT in any huge ways...but just little things. My patience level has significantly increased with him because I know that's what he needs. I'm not saying I didn't know I needed to have patience with an 18 month old, but it's just different now. I make sure to slow things down with him, give him more verbal & nonverbal cues, show him things in a different way, and above all, he has to be approached differently because he does have some sensory and sensitivity issues. We had an evaluation with about 5 different therapists at once and it was quite overwhelming for him and me, but it was also so helpful in figuring out how his little mind and body reacts to different things...things I never even really thought of. We're honestly not sure if he is on the spectrum somewhere (like we originally thought) or if maybe he is just a bit delayed in some areas, has a few sensory issues that can be worked through, and needs a little extra work to catch up to other kids his age. Right now we are just going ahead with the speech and physical therapy and we're kind of just taking it week by week, assessing what he needs, pushing him where he needs to be pushed, working through little stumbling blocks for him (he has quite a few) and we're trying to figure out how to help him work through his emotions during the day. It's going to take a lot of work but like I said, he's already showing improvement. He's been babbling just a little bit the last few days, his eye contact is much better, he actually tries to get my attention and comes up to me for things, and he tries to interact with people and kids more- all things he wasn't doing just a few short weeks ago. So I'm very optimistic and am excited to see how he does these next few weeks as we really tweak his therapy to meet his needs and figure out exactly what my little guy needs to thrive in this world. I post a lot of little updates on my Instastories, so follow along on Instagram! (Stories disappear within 24 hours...view them by clicking on the little circle with my face on it). 

When it comes to myself, I'm still struggling hardcore. Most days I'm all over the place...my anxiety is still through the roof and I'm not doing a great job of managing it. I'm really trying to watch what I eat and get some form of regular exercise, but those are two things I really am not great at. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you've probably seen some of my posts about struggling to eat enough. My appetite has completely disappeared and it's been like this for months. I have a really hard time eating anything really...nothing ever sounds good. My husband will offer to go fetch me whatever food I want from my favorite restaurants just to get me to eat sometimes, but I usually curl my lip and say "that just doesn't sound good right now." I really wish I could snap out of it because it's not something I'm purposefully doing. I just can't eat. I know I need the calories and that's part of why my energy is always zapped. I think it's my nerves and anxiety because those things have always messed with my stomach when I'm really stressed out or anxious. I've resorted to drinking an 800 calorie smoothie every morning to help fill me up & get some calories & protein in. It helps, but then I still need to eat regularly the rest of the day, which is still an uphill battle for me. What are some of your favorite snack foods? I feel like I'm just burned out on all of the few things I do like to eat, so that doesn't help my appetite much. I used to love food, and now I dread eating. I wish I could be full without having to actually go through the motions of preparing food & ingesting it. Is that weird? Probably...but I can't control it. It's just one more thing I stress about. 

On top of all of that, I'm just finding myself in a very angry place lately. I don' know how else to describe it, but I'm kind of just ticked off all the time and I'm in a constant state of agitation. Honestly, it's been a pretty overall shitty last year or so for me, and I guess I'm just really bitter about all of it. I have no relationship with either of my parents anymore, most of my family doesn't talk to me anymore because of that, I have zero help with my kids, my husband works a lot, a few of my local friends have fallen to the wayside (now that I'm kind of a mess & have nothing helpful to offer them anymore), we left our church 6 months ago after being treated poorly by some clergy and members, and I'm pretty jaded about ALL of it now. Throw having a baby into the mix with all of that and it's a recipe for disaster. I've put the wall back up around myself and I've kind of pulled back from other relationships because I'm just so tired of being let down by people I've let in. It's really disheartening when people close to you turn their backs on you at the drop of a hat. I'm not trying to make this a total pity-party type of thing, but a lot of this has been weighing heavily on my heart and I've lost quite a few important relationships this last year or so. I try not to sit and think about everything or dwell on the past but it's been really, really hard to let things go and try to move on. It's hard not to just sit and be mad or let it affect me every day. I started to get better at it a few months ago and I was going days without breaking down, but then something new comes up or someone does something to rip the bandaid off again and the healing process starts all over. It's exhausting and mentally draining. Trying to be a functioning mother when you've got all of this emotional baggage paired with postpartum depression is rough, then add: four needy children, a husband who needs love and attention, friendships to maintain, appointments, two school schedules and pickup times, work drop off and pickup, groceries, errands, bills, phone calls, texts, social media posts for my business, dinner, emails, homework, taxes, student loan payments, showering regularly, bathing the children, remembering to eat & get enough sleep...yeah...and about a million other things. It's easy for me to just feel completely overwhelmed at this point. I'm trying to take it day by day, and some days are definitely better than others. 

Thankfully though, this stupid winter is just about over and we've got spring to look forward to. I always forget how much the drab, cold, dreary winter always affects me too. Here in Washington we've finally seen a couple of nice teases of spring and on the rare days that we've ventured outside it's been really great for my mood (and the kids' too). Being cooped up inside sucks. I've been loving the sunshine, even though it's still only been in the 40's & 50's. We call that tank top weather around here! We also love walking around our neighborhood with the toddlers in the double jogging stroller. Walking is for sure my favorite form of exercise, and the vitamin D is definitely needed.


When the weather can't decide if it wants to be winter or spring.


Ummm so I've been loving Amazon's Kindle Unlimited. I used to read a ton but I hadn't picked up a book in probably over a year...maybe two. I just haven't had the time and I just haven't been in the mood (obviously, haha) to get engrossed in a book. My attention span has seriously been lacking when it comes to pretty much everything, so books have been a no go. I decided that forcing myself to just sit, chill, and read something might be good for me, and I'm so glad I did. I dusted off my Kindle (which honestly, has only been used for Netflix since I bought it). I signed up for a free trial of Kindle Unlimited because I'd heard great things from some of my fellow book lovers who are like me and can read an entire book in one sitting. Buying books is always a struggle for me because I read them so fast and then I'm like "OK now what do I do with this?" Kindle Unlimited gives me access to tons of books without having to buy them. After the 30-day free trial is up it's just $10 a month for all the books I can read. I read four books just in my first week of the free trial, which would have cost me about $25 if I'd bought the e-reader version for each book (way more if I'd bought them all in paperback). I can "borrow" up to 10 books at a time (after you finish one you "give it back") and my kids can read books on their kindles too with our shared account! It's really been great. It's not available for every single book obviously, but they've got the entire Harry Potter collection for free, so that's worth it right there ;) I really liked this one


So I read a few books...yay me. I also just purchased some gorgeous fabric from one of my favorite quilters and I'm going to start a project. I can't even remember the last time I touched my sewing machine. I was supposed to make Josiah a baby quilt before he was born but that never actually came to fruition and he's now 18 months and I still hadn't even bought the fabric for his alleged quilt. 

Well, now I've got the fabric, so I guess I need to get to sewing! I think a project is exactly what I need right now to feed my soul...now if only I could find the time and motivation to actually start it. Stay tuned!

Oh yeah, and I tried purple lipstick. That was kind of fun. I don't know about you, but sometimes a good makeup day can make all the difference in the world. Also, if you're not already in my beauty group you should probably join it! 

That's about it for now! I'm out of time.


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