Hormones, you guys. They can be a real bitch sometimes! OK, mostly all of the time, I think. I feel like mine have been out of control with this pregnancy, and I don't know how to reign them in. Honestly, I'm just waiting for time to pass and for things to go back to normal again, if there ever was such a thing.
Here's the thing with motherhood: it's hard. Like, for real. I know, I know. Motherhood is such a blessing...that's what we all hear and that's what us moms are supposed to feel 100% of the time. Savor every moment! They grow up so fast! You'll miss those late nights and piles of laundry later! Yeah yeah. I know. I get it. As a mom of a couple of older kids now- almost 12 and 8 years old, and now having another go around with this whole having babies thing. I've got a 21-month-old and another baby on the way...I totally get it. I do see how quickly the time passes. How you blink and your first baby is suddenly a preteen with mood swings and girl problems, and I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I got so old.
Seriously, though, motherhood isn't always sunshine and rainbows, or kisses and cuddles, bedtime stories and all that lovey-dovey stuff. Sometimes it just sucks. It's hard. It's exhausting. It's emotionally draining. And it's a truly thankless job. Lately, I've been feeling defeated when it comes to my parenting, and I know a lot of it has to do with the raging hormones that are surging through my body while I create a new tiny human life. Sometimes motherhood is just making it through the day without a murder being involved. It sounds dramatic, but if you're a mom of 3 or 4 (or more) kids you probably know what I'm talking about. Most days now, I'm not savoring every moment- I'm trying to just get through them without totally losing my shit, and then I go to bed feeling like an exhausted piece of crap of a mom who should have tried harder today. I should have more patience, be more understanding, show more love, etc, etc, etc. I should NOT just be going through the motions, doing everything for everyone else, trying to run the house like a drill sergeant and keeping everyone alive, fed, and somewhat clean.
Do I have a lot of guilt right now? Hell yes. I feel really guilty. I feel like a shitty mom most of the time. I feel like I'm not alone there, though, right? Mom guilt sucks. I'm feeling it pretty bad right now. Especially in the blogging world, where it's all happy, shiny, Pinterest-perfect pictures where mom is always perfectly made up and happy-looking all the time. That is definitely not my life. Most days I'm a hot mess and I don't really know what I'm doing. You'd never see my house on Pinterest!
So how do you break out of these feelings? I'm trying to stay positive and remember that this is just a little rough patch I have to get through, and that some of it is just out of my control right now. A lot of it, though, I know I can control. I'm trying to take time every day, just a few minutes even, to sit and clear my mind and think happy thoughts. Kind of cheesy, but it works. I have a few books I like to read that focus on staying positive and not letting negative thoughts control your life. I'm also trying to force myself to get outside and enjoy the sunshine, fresh air, and get some exercise. Just taking Harper out for a quick walk in the stroller helps a lot. Sitting around the house moping like a sad pregnant lady certainly isn't helping. Also, reminding myself that my kids are just that- kids. They need things from me, and I can't be so caught up in my own selfish ways and resent them for it. I'm trying to slow down, focus less on the little things, like housework and messes, and enjoy my time with them.
And listen, before anyone starts thinking "Wow, this woman complains a lot about being a mom" or thinks that I don't love my "job," know this: I do love being a mom. I know I'm blessed. I know I'm lucky and so fortunate to have 3, now almost 4, happy, healthy children and a wonderful husband who loves and supports me and allows me to be a full-time stay at home mom. I know there are women out there who probably read this and think I'm some ungrateful, spoiled brat. I get that I sound kind of crazy or super whiney about my feelings. But the truth is, being a mom is hard. It's not always glamorous. Life's not always perfect. Feelings suck. Depression and anxiety suck. I've dealt with it off and on for most of my teenage and adult life, and sometimes it kind of takes over your brain and you have to talk about it. So don't think I'm not thanking my lucky stars each and every day when I lay my exhausted head down on my pillow. I love my kids more than anything. I know I'm so lucky to be their mama. I do treasure each day, even when I bitch and moan about doing all of the laundry and making dinner every night and all that other boring mom junk. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture when you just feel like shit for months at a time though, and you have to vent and get it out and let other people know they aren't the only ones struggling too.
If you've read all of this- God bless you. It's coming out as a big, jumbled mess of words that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone else but me right now, but it feels good just to type them out on the computer screen. Blogging has been a huge struggle for me lately because I just don't have the focus or determination I normally have. I'm hoping to slowly ease back into it without it stressing me out too much or taking my attention away from more important things in life, like my kids and family. But, you know, in a couple more months I'll have a newborn, and life with four kids probably won't leave a whole lot of time for blogging...at least not for a while!