Monday, February 8, 2016

Four kids

Random thoughts from Friday night. Yes, it took me 2 1/2 days to proofread & finally hit publish. So tired. So pregnant:

I'm sitting here at 5:56pm on a Friday night, pondering life. It's just me and my 3 kids while my husband is still working (and probably will be for many more hours- Friday nights are usually late ones in the tattoo business). We've already eaten dinner and I cleaned up the kitchen, which is shocking, considering the tired state I'm in. I am, however, excited at the prospect of putting my crazy, overly-tired, grouchy 18-month-old to bed early, so maybe that's why I so eagerly tidied up the kitchen in a happy little frenzy. It's been a long day. My two oldest kids, Ayden and Lily, are furiously clicking the buttons on their XBOX controllers while they argue about the mystical world they are building together in Minecraft. I don't get the fascination with this game, but it's giving me a moment's peace while Harper happily bangs her head on the floor next to her toys and throws blocks across the room. It's almost bedtime...

See, I'm sitting here typing as quickly as I can while I still have the energy to type it, and before I succumb to the oncoming wave of exhaustion that comes along with being in your first trimester of pregnancy. I have thoughts in my head and I know if I don't get them out now I never will. I'll be too tired, or I'll be nauseous, or I'll second guess myself and forget about it, burying those feelings deep down with the rest of my crazy, hormonally, irrational thoughts. 

Four kids. Holy shit, it's really hitting me. My husband and I have been talking about the prospect of a fourth baby pretty much since Harper came along 18 months ago. We just weren't sure she was our last one, and I liked the idea of her having a sibling close in age to her (rather than 7 & 10 years apart). So we talked, and dreamed, and finally said "whatever happens, happens." Well, it happened...earlier than I thought it would. Really, I had JUST stopped breast feeding about 3 months ago when Harper randomly weened herself from the boob. It took me forever to get pregnant with her- hence the 7 year age gap between her and Lily. I don't think I ovulated for a number of years, and the fact that I'm considered under weight probably didn't help matters. Somehow, though, after just a few months of not nursing anymore, I got those double lines on a pregnancy test a few weeks ago and shit got real.


I guess it's taken a little bit of time for the reality to set in. I'm pregnant. Like, I'm so pregnant that I'm going to have 4 kids in just a short while. Four kids. Damn. I really need that minivan now- no way around that. Along with all kinds of other half-joking wow, I'm going to have 4 kids thoughts are the serious ones that are starting to creep in too. Like, can I afford 4 kids? Do I have room for 4 kids? Do I have the energy for 4 kids? Can I seriously handle 4 kids? Then I think things like OMG what did I do? Why did I upset the delicate balance we have going on right now? 

I mean, seriously, these last 18 months have been a challenge for me. After being a mom of two for so long, especially now that they are both in school, adding another baby to the mix definitely threw me for a loop. It's been a whole new family dynamic, and I love it, but it's also definitely trying at times. We've just kind of found our sweet spot, my husband and I, both in our relationship together and as parents. We co-parent well, and we each have our "zones" and specialties. We're just figuring out how three kids works. Is adding another baby to that going to put a strain on things? Totally. I know we can handle it, but again, it's going to be a challenge. The thought of facing it seems daunting...and of course, exhausting. When is my energy going to come back? Will I ever not be tired again? 

I wish I had answers to all of these crazy-sounding questions, but at the moment, I don't. There's a huge chance this is all hormonal and just pregnancy nerves or something. I mean, I know baby number four is coming, so either way, I have to pull it together and figure it out! Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited, but I needed a momentary freak out.

Time to go ponder life some more...

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