Do you ever just feel like you're on autopilot? Like you're just making it through the day?
I've been feeling like that a lot lately. I'm in a rut, and I can't wait to be on the other side of it. It's the same thing every day- wake up, go straight for the coffee, get the big kids up and off to school, then try to check my emails before I hear Harper talking to herself in her crib. I get her up and she eats breakfast with daddy before he leaves for work, and the rest of the school day zips by in the blink of an eye. It's filled with messy snacks and lunch with Harper, diaper changes, cuddles, PBS cartoons, play time on the rug, and trying to squeeze in as much blog work as I can while she naps. Before I know it, the big kids are home and it's a chaotic mess of snacks, homework time, dinner prep, laundry, dishes, and then showers/baths, bedtime stories, kisses, and tucking everyone in. By that time, I'm exhausted, both physically and mentally, and I feel like all of the energy has been drained from my body.
Most nights I'm lucky if my husband makes it home before the kids are in bed and the last of the dishes are loaded into the dishwasher. Often times, I'm already in bed, half asleep or in a crappy mood after a long day, while he strolls in, care-free and whistling, excited to tell me about how great his day was, or about something cool that happened. As much as I try not to resent that fact, resentment happens. I wish he had a different work schedule, and I wish he could be here to help me more in the evenings. I would love it if we could have dinner together besides just on Sundays, or that I had the energy to have a meaningful conversation with my husband at the end of the day without nodding off and falling asleep. But then I remember that his crazy schedule comes with the territory, and because he works so much and so hard, I'm able to be here all the time with our 3 kids, and we're able to live pretty comfortably. They don't get shuffled around to daycare or babysitters, and I don't have to rush off to work and still try to figure out how to keep everything going around the house. It's hard, but this is what works best for my family- I know that because we've tried it the other way and it didn't go very well. But it's still hard sometimes when I feel like I'm going it alone at home most days.
Lately, I've been feeling even more like I'm being stretched thin. I'm thankful for my blog and the fact that I'm able to generate a little of my own money while still being at home, and that I have an outlet (like right now) to get my feelings and frustrations out when I need to. However, it does take up a lot of my "free" time, and there are times when I resent the workload I put on myself. I haven't been motivated at all lately to do the other things I enjoy, like sewing, crafting, yoga, and reading. I'm sure I could squeeze them all in somewhere, but when I do find those little chunks of time, honestly...I just want to catch up on sleep or zone out on some of my favorite shows. I feel guilty when I'm not able to volunteer for things at the kids' school or at church. I feel guilty that we've been in our house for about two months now and I still have a few boxes sitting around that need to be unpacked. Or that we haven't had any of our friends over for dinner like we'd been planning while we were planning our move. The new house will be so much nicer for having people over! That was part of my argument for the move- bigger house, higher rent, more bills...but it would be worth it, right? Not so much. I'm barely unpacked and have recently gone into antisocial hermit-mode.
Despite all of this, I've been some hardcore baby fever. Harper is getting older now, and I sometimes think I really want her to have a sibling closer to her age. We've got a 6 and 10 year age gap between her, Lily, and Ayden. I don't want her to be lonely or feel left out as she grows older. Plus, she's just so cute that when I look at her, I long for another. Then I think, hold on, you can barely handle what you already have right now, why mess with it? Lately I've just been making it through the day...like I'm on autopilot. Like I'm physically there, but I'm just going through the motions and trying to fit everything that needs to be done into the day. Do I really have anything more to give? Is that fair to my kids? Or my husband? Or myself?
This too, shall pass. I know. Don't get me wrong: most "normal" days I feel very confident in myself as a mom and a wife. Most days I can handle it all. Some days I feel like supermom! I can do it all. I love when I'm that woman. I've been through this before and the feelings of inadequacy always creep in. Any day now, I'll give myself the kick in the ass I need and I'll stop feeling sorry for myself, and life will go back to normal. I'll find that balance again. Until then, I need to keep reminding myself of this and cut myself a break: