Monday, July 21, 2014

38 weeks & third time mom fears

The end is near.

Today marks 38 weeks that I've been pregnant. That's 266 days that I've had this tiny human inside of me, and leaves only 14 days until my due date of August 4th. While it seems at times to be dragging along, it also seems extremely fast at the same time. Two more weeks? That's it? And ugh...two more weeks? Still? I have mixed emotions about it.

This was last week:
 
I went into my last appointment and my blood pressure was insanely high for me. As in 160-something over 100-something. I know nothing about blood pressure, but I've never in my life had my blood pressure read high. The nurse was alarmed. She made me rest and we checked it again. Still high. They found protein in my urine, which was also bad, so they sent me to do some rushed blood work. It came back normal. The high blood pressure couldn't be explained, so I came back later in the week to have it checked again. It was still high but I wasn't showing any other signs of preeclampsia (a blood pressure disorder in pregnancy with some other scary symptoms like severe swelling, headaches, vision problems, etc). My doctor was out of town for the week, so I saw a gaggle of nurses- probably 4 of them- and was sent home on bed rest for the long weekend. Bed rest? But there's still so much to do! Especially for a busy body-control freak like myself. Sitting around on my butt for a few days when I'm almost ready to have a baby just doesn't sound like me at all. 

But alas, I survived. My mother-in-law came during the week to help with the kids and do some things around the house for me. She cooked dinner, washed all of the baby clothes, cleaned my kitchen, and took care of the kids while I sat on the couch with my feet up and felt helpless. I kept apologizing to her for making her "do stuff" but she didn't seem to mind, and the kids love having her around. She even took them grocery shopping, which is no small feat, let me tell you. Then over the weekend the kids went to my parents house so I could get some rest and relaxation and they could have some fun outside of the house. I had big plans of scheduling blogs and reading a book or two while they were gone, but in reality I ended up re-watching 2 seasons of The Walking Dead and eating a lot of takeout food courtesy of my husband. (Pizza, chicken teriyaki, Wendy's, and Cafe Rio- go me!) Don't worry, I still ate a lot of healthy stuff during the day, but dinner was bad every night. My husband has been so good with helping out around the house too. He's really stepped it up the last few days and yelled at me to sit down anytime I tried to do something myself, which was a lot.

Bed rest is so glamorous.

So now here it is, Monday, two weeks from my due date. I have a doctor's appointment later today and my doctor will be back from her vacation. She's had no idea about my blood pressure stuff since she's been gone, and I'm praying that she just decides to induce me. I'm ready. I'm so ready to have this baby. I've been having a ton of contractions- not real ones- just Braxton Hicks. But nevertheless, I've had a ton of them. I had 9 in a half hour period the other day and they are getting very uncomfortable. I've been staying super hydrated and I haven't done anything in days, so the amount of contractions seems like a lot when I've been resting so much. I'm curious to see if I've dilated at all anymore or if all of these pesky contractions are just the baby's way of teasing me. I don't want to be put back on bed rest and lay around for another week or two- I'd rather just get this baby girl out of me! So we shall see what the doctor says today. Fingers crossed it's good news, and either the high blood pressure is gone and I can get to work preparing for this baby, or it's still high and we can just induce me.

Speaking of preparing for this baby, here is the sorry state of the nursery right now:
(sorry for the crappy pics- the lighting is terrible in there)



I need want to get the baby dresser painted. That can always wait until after baby comes I suppose, but I'd love to get it done. I could have put my husband to work on it, but you know, the control freak part of me wants to do it myself. The crib is full of baby clothes- washed, thankfully, but they need to be organized and put away in the dresser. The cloth diapers need to be special washed too, but we'll use disposables at first so I suppose that can wait until later on. I have wall decals to hang. Things need to be moved around, organized and put in their place so that I can actually walk through the room without tripping on stuff. It's not a ton of work, but I want it all done before the baby comes and it's been driving me crazy just sitting here.

Aside from all of the logistics, I have fears. They are:

Three kids? How will I do it? We're going to be outnumbered.
Starting over. We have a big age gap.
I'm older. Will I have the energy?
How will my big kids handle it? Will they be helpful & loving or resentful?
What if this baby is like Lily & never sleeps? I need my sleep now.
What if the birth is horrible? The others were so easy.
What if I'm paralyzed during the epidural?
What if I have problems breastfeeding? Ayden & Lily were great eaters.
What if I get post-partum depression?
Will I lose all of the baby weight? I've gained more this time.

So many what-ifs. I know it's normal to feel this way, but sometimes I overwhelm myself with these questions in my head. It's been so long since I've had a newborn that sometimes I almost feel like a first time mom again. I know it will all come back to me as soon as she's in my arms and the rest will have to be taken day by day, but the fears are still there. Maybe part of it is that I'm older and wiser now, and as a seasoned mom I think about things a lot more than I did when I was younger. Sometimes I wonder how I just "winged it" so much as a young mom. Now I question everything, including myself.

Well, it's time to get ready for my appointment. Hopefully I'll get some good news.

Moms, how did you prepare yourself for your new baby? Was it your first, second, third? Were the fears there each time or is it just me?

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