When being happy is hard

Saturday, August 3, 2013

I want to start this blog post off by saying that I've been really wary about posting this, out of fear that someone out there might take it the wrong way or misconstrue my words. Sometimes when you speak from the heart, things come out wrong. Or you mess up by over explaining because you're afraid people aren't truly understanding what it is you're saying. People might get weirded-out, judgmental, or even offended when all you're trying to do is be honest and open up. Once you put yourself out there, people will start to pick you apart. There are people out there who will twist your words or rip you to shreds. My reason for posting this is because I try to stay pretty transparent on my blog, since it is, after all, a personal blog. I'd feel (and do feel) like a fraud if I tried to portray myself one way when I feel like a completely different person. So here I go...

You might remember back in February when I posted this little update about a few life changes, where I shared my story about my experience with medication regarding depression and anxiety. I had a bad experience with some anti-depressants that I'd been taking (short term) and decided to get off of them. I was saying goodbye to medication and trying some alternative methods to deal with my problem, like yoga, diet, and supplements.

Well guys, the yoga and vitamins aren't working.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed and I'm pretty sure my anxiety is out of control.

It's getting harder and harder to hide the way I feel from everyone else around me, and I'm pretty sure people are starting to catch on. Sure, on my blog and social media things probably seem fine. But in reality it's a daily struggle just to get up and face another day.

{This is where I have to stop typing and go in my room to cry for a few minutes}

Some mornings I just lay in bed and think things like: What's the point? Another day of doing the same thing over and over again? Clean the house? Do the laundry? Figure out what the hell is going to make everyone happy for dinner again? Bath time & the screaming that is bedtime, again? Grocery shopping- hooray. Oh, another trip to the park where I sit alone because none of the other moms will talk to me? I can't wait. Sometimes I feel like the rest of the world is totally passing me by while I sit here and fold laundry, wash dishes, and tell the kids for the millionth time today to stop doing whatever it is they are doing. Other people are actually living their lives and accomplishing things, and all I've managed to do today is keep the kids alive and the house looking semi-nice. When the kids go to sleep, all I want to do is crawl in my bed, pull the blanket up over my head and not have anyone talk to me or ask me for anything.

What's the freaking point? Is this what my life is now?

I know you all have had these thoughts before, or at least one of them. I know it's a normal part of being a bored stay at home mom, but lately these thoughts have consumed me. I've been resenting my kids and my husband for every little thing they do. If someone makes a mess, I lose it. The kids argue? It drives me to the point of insanity. Someone asks me for something at the wrong time and I might fly off the handle. And really for no reason. It's not that there's anything major that's wrong. My life is pretty good I think. I have a husband who loves me and supports me, and I have 2 happy & healthy children. My life is not perfect- but definitely better than some people I know, and I am thankful for that. But people think that because I'm married and I'm a stay at home mom that I've just got it made, and that every day I must wake up feeling happy and fulfilled.

I've been a stay at home mom for about almost 9 years now. I went to beauty school for about a year and a half in there somewhere (before I had my 2nd child), and I worked for a short period of time a couple years ago, but besides that, I've been home by myself with the kids while my husband works. And he works a lot. Being a stay at home mom is hard, guys. I mean, really, truly difficult. It's harder than getting up and going to a full time job every day. It's been all about the kids for so long, and not at all about me...not even a little. Somewhere along the way, I feel like I've kind of lost myself a little and I've totally alienated myself from the people in my life. It's hard to hide the fact that you're unhappy so you stop answering the phone when people call you and reply less often to people's texts and Facebook messages. Sooner or later though, your friends give up. They stop calling, or they don't text as often. They definitely don't invite you places and they don't even tell you anymore when they are in your town visiting- they don't want to visit you! They find new friends, move on with their exciting lives, and leave you to deal with your weird, hermit-like, anti-social tendencies. I don't mean to push people away or shut people out, but sometimes it's hard to pretend to be so darn happy, especially when people view you as this awesome, amazing mom and wife who does it all. They can't fathom the idea that you'd have anything to be sad about!

The truth is I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm tired all the time. I'm losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Lately I don't even want to do things like read- and when I don't want to read a freaking book I know something is wrong. You might have noticed in my blog writing that I've mentioned things like "being in a funk" or "feeling moody" a lot lately and I realize I'm using those phrases more and more frequently. That's not me. That's not who I am. Why am I this angry person? That's how I feel all the time now. Annoyed. Irritated. Mad. Emotional. Upset. Whatever. I don't want to feel this way about my kids and my husband.

Not every day is bad. Some days are great. And I do find joy in my every day life. I love my kids. I do. Words can't even begin to describe the love that I have for my two amazing children. Most of this time at home with them has been cherished, and we've made so many great, happy memories together. Being a mom has always been challenging, and it's only recently that I've started to feel the way that I do now. It's not because of any one thing- nothing major happened that pushed me into this "depression." It's been a gradual thing that I've noticed, and I see how it has changed me as a mom and a wife.

Now on top of being sad, angry, and anxious, I have guilt. My 5 year old daughter is starting kindergarten in September, and instead of laying on the floor crying "Noooooo! Not my baby!" I'm counting down the days until school starts. I know, it's horrible right? But all I can think right now is "Finally- a little bit of time to myself!" I feel like a terrible mother for feeling that way. According to everyone else, I should be cherishing these last few moments at home with her before she goes off too school, because before I know it the kids will be grown up and gone and I'll be here all alone. I get that. I really do. I've been having major anxiety about my kids growing up and I'm starting to notice that time is flying by much faster than it used to. But I'm overwhelmed and tapped out right now. I haven't had a day off in...I don't know how long. I'm "on" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I feel like Lily starting kindergarten and Ayden going back to school is the light at the end of my tunnel right now, and if I can just hold on until then, things might get better. Yes, I will be sad. I know the days of her being a baby are long gone. But those couple of hours where they are both in school every day will be my built in break that I haven't given myself in 9 years. Is that so wrong? Apparently it is, because when I mentioned this to my husband he groaned and said "Not my daughter! I don't want my baby girl going to school. Don't be happy about things like that!" And that's when I went back to feeling ashamed and selfish about wanting to send my baby off to school. It's not my husband' s fault that he doesn't get it. He can't, because he's at work every day and isn't here to see how truly lonely it can be. He doesn't see all of the moments during the day where I'm overwhelmed, overworked, and stressed out because I can't just get a moment's peace.

I've been trying, I mean really trying everything I can to make myself feel better. I'm trying to make some friends here, but it can be pretty discouraging when I get this reaction from other moms, especially when I'm really trying to meet people. I've been eating better, exercising regularly, doing yoga, taking extra vitamins, and have been actively trying to get out of the house more, but I'm still struggling. So much so that I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment with my doctor to talk about getting on some kind of medication again. I don't like the idea of being just another depressed, stressed out, medicated mom out there, but I also don't want to continue to put myself and my family through any more of this craziness. I clearly can't deal with this issue on my own because I'm doing a horrible job at it. If you want an honest opinion, ask my poor husband or my kids. They can tell you what a treat I've been to be around the last few months.

Some people might roll their eyes and tell me to snap out of it.
Or that I shouldn't have become a mom if I couldn't handle the stress.
That I should just be thankful I have kids. And a husband.
Or that I should get a hobby.
Or a job.
Or a life.

 Duly noted.

But I know myself enough to know that something is wrong, and I'm tired of feeling this way about myself. I want to be the mom and wife I used to be, and not this angry, stressed out, emotionally fragile shell of a woman that I am now.

Hopefully I can get back to that person again soon.

If you think you're depressed, talk to a loved one, a friend, or your doctor. Don't suffer in silence and don't just hope that it will one day go away on it's own. I know it seems like you're the only one who feels the way you do, but trust me, there are many many people out there going through the same thing you are.

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  1. aw hoping that you are able to find something to help overcome your anxiety soon! Keep your head up! xo

  2. I think you are so strong for writing this post. And I think you just inspired me to finally buck up and talk to someone about how I've been feeling. So thank you, so much. And good luck with all of this.


  3. I can relate. Ive slipped into bouts of depression without even realizing it. At one point my family told me that they hid meds because they didn't know what I would do. I would never do something like that. I went to a therapist only once and never went back because I thought she was judging me! Anyways, I get what your going through, feeling like your just stuck. Depression is a hard thing to control and I hope you can find a way out of it. Stay positive! :)

  4. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with the way you are feeling love! Nine years as a SAHM I can imagine would take a toll on any person! It is hard. God made women mothers because we are strong human beings! I'm gonna be praying for you. I'm not just saying that either. I may not "know" you, but you will be in my prayers. I hope dearly that you find who you are. We all need a break. Being strong every minute of our lives is not practical. I don't know if you're a religious person, or believe God, but sometimes praying helps. I mean it. I've been at the lowest points in my life when I was pregnant with my son. I didn't think I literally could get up everyday & complete my daily routine someways. It doesn't always help, but when it did, it was amazing.

    Love, Kara! @

  5. OMG MELISSA. i wish that you were a chicago/il blogger. i would totally love to meet up with and do girly things! :) i haven't had much of a friend these last few years and i honestly know what it is like to feel the way you do. i honestly feel that on a daily base. it sucks. it hurts. and it sucks more when you have no one on your side to understand. believe me.

    feel free to email me sometime.
    marie from listening rather then speaking (.com)

  6. My biggest advice is to keep trying to find a community. It can get so lonely without other moms to spend time with and to make close friends with. That has made a big difference for me in the whole transition to sahm life. It's super hard to to, I know but it's so helpful having that support and having other people who understand your day to day life. No matter how hard they try I don't think husbands fully understand.

    If you ever need another mom to talk to I'm all ears! And do whatever you feel you need to do to feel better. Don't be ashamed of how you feel, good for you for sharing this in the first place!

  7. I already told you on Twitter, but I'll tell you again. I am SO proud of you for being so brave to make this post. I can totally relate to the fear and anxiety of making such a personal post. I went through the same feelings when I decided to make a public post about my addiction to food. I know it took a lot for you to post this, and I think you're really awesome for not being one of those bloggers who just post the perfect white picket fence aspect of life.

    As a stay at home (step) mom myself, I feel like I could have written this post. When you start a family, it's almost like you lose your own identity. I often forget that I am Jen, my own person with my own needs, and not just Jen, the stepmama. It's almost impossible to get 2 minutes alone to be able to go to the bathroom.. forget 5 minutes alone so you can breathe. I love Bobby with every ounce of my being, but there are times when I wish he would just go find something to do without me, so I can have some time alone.

    Rob doesn't understand, either. He works A LOT, and isn't home nearly as often as I am. We live with my parents due to our shitty financial situation, which is depressing in itself. I had to stop taking my birth control last month because I lost my health insurance, and ever since, I've noticed myself being in a bad mood for no reason. I take it out on Rob more often than I should, and sometimes even Bobby. It makes me feel like I'm failing as a girlfriend and a parent.

    You are not selfish in any way, shape, or form for wanting some time alone. Our spouses/significant others/life partners don't understand because they don't have the same responsiblities we do. Yes, they work. They work HARD. But, that isn't the same as making sure children are fed, laundry is done, house is cleaned, dinner is cooked, children are bathed, and between that, find ways to occupy them. Nothing is worse than a bored child. If I had to count how many times I say "Don't do that!", I'd end up reciting all the digits in Pi.

    Being depressed isn't any fault of yours. It is a chemical imbalance that you can't help. I'm sorry other parents have been judgemental assholes. It's 2013. I can't believe people still get their panties in a bunch over tattoos. If people are going to have snarky comments about something so insignifcant as tattoos, they aren't the kind of people you want as friends, anyway. You are one of the sweetest women I've met since I've started blogging and you deserve the best in life - including friends. I hope one day soon you'll meet other kick ass ink loving mamas. I also hope that you'll start feeling better soon, too. If you ever want to vent, or just talk, I'm always here. If you'd like, message me on twitter and I'll give you my phone number.

    I know it's ridiculously hard to stay positive when you feel like you're in a hole you can't get out of, but things always get worse before they get better. *hugs*

  8. I can't begin to tell you how proud I am of you! Thank you for being so real and honest in this post. I pray that you get back to how you want to be. You will get there. :)

  9. This is an amazing post. I have been struggling with the EXACT same issues lately, and reading this was like a page from my own heart. I too tried to live without meds, but there is no way. I'm sorry no matter how much exercise you get or juices you drink, you still feel like shit and can't get out of bed. It is overwhelming, feeling the pressure to be bubbly and post nothing but cuteness and happy thoughts. I am so proud of you, and so glad to know I am not alone. I'm always open for a chat. I hope there's light at the end of this tunnel, I think we can find it by supporting each other!

  10. I think it is absolutely wonderful of you to step out of your comfort zone and take about this topic that most people are not comfortable talking about at all. I struggle with mild depression but do not want to take any medication for it either. It comes in phased, i'm really happy for a few months and really down in the dumps for a few months where I just want to lay in my bed and cry over nothing. It is absolutely frustrating and I know what you mean when you don't even want to do the same hobbies that happy you usually loves. I just try to make a list of things that would make me happy and then make a list of things that I (me, myself, nobody else) can do to make those goals happen. Have more friends on my list? Then I make an effort to make a plan with someone for coffee. etc. I also talk to the Lord, but don't know if you are religious or not. He has a way of taking me down just enough to show me what I need to learn and then bringing me back up with a new appreciation and knew knowledge.

    God bless.
    Amanda Rose

  11. I think it is great that you are able to share as I know it is a hard subject to talk about. I am not a doctor but have you had your thyroid checked (T3, T4, and TSH)? If you have an underactive thyroid it can cause depression. It might be worth looking into. Your in my prayers!

  12. There is nothing wrong with taking medication for cancer. Why would you hesitate to take it for depression? I am 43 and have been on meds since I was 22 and it saved my life. If only they had known what was wrong with me at 10 years old! Sometimes you have to try several meds before you find the right fit, but you will find it! So God Bless YOU! And know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

  13. It's like your in my brain. I feel like I should be so thankful that I'm no home with my kiddies, but the transition from working mom to SAHM has been a tough one. I am so exhausted, overwhelmed and have lots of anxiety anytime I have to leave the house with both kids. Because no one talks about depression and anxiety it makes me feel like I am super crazy for feeling that way. Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

  14. Hi Melissa~

    This takes a LOT of courage to write. I'm childless by choice, but did care for my nephew weekly for a year or so from just a few months old, and babysat him a lot after that. Even in the few hours that I had him, especially as he grew and developed his own likes/preferences, I found it quite challenging. You are constantly interrupted to guide them at that age, and between the meal prep, diapers, baths, etc., it is exhausting. To say the least.

    I have noticed that many moms my age find full-time parenting really, really difficult. Yet many would not have the courage to admit what you admitted here. Know that you are not alone (as you can see from the comments) in being excited about getting both your kids into school...I've heard it repeatedly from friends with kids! There is nothing wrong with admitting you are overwhelmed and need a break. Doesn't mean you don't love them. It's just such a different world these days, and there are so many expectations, so much competition between kids and the moms, that it's insane. (And why I don't have kids).

    It's good that you recognize your depression and how you interact with your family. Get the help you need, take the medication, and don't even think twice about that. Once your little one gets into school, maybe you will feel less stressed and can re-evaluate the medication, etc. The most important thing is to do what you need to do to be healthy and happy for you, first, so you can be there for your family, second.

    And things WILL get better. I know it.

    Take care, lady!

  15. Hiding and retreating isn't healthy. Speaking out and seeking help is! You are on the right track!

  16. thank you sooo much for sharing what you did!!! it's hard to get up and say it, esp when you are in the middle of going through it!! It's haaaard to be a stay at home mom and deal with the day in day out routine everyday. I've hit the same low this summer and it's been hard, sp since we just moved here last year and I haven't met many other people. It's been easier to become more of a home body and be quiet, which is totally NOT like me, and it hurts. Esp with it being summer, my fave time of year, with lots of sunshine and outdoor time. It makes me feel like a horrible parent for not being super happy and excited everyday. it is hard... thanks for saying it like it is.

  17. First and foremost, you are very brave for sharing this. I have had my share of struggles, too. Just when you think you've moved past these struggles, they can catch up to you out of no where. It's scary, but you're doing the right thing--you're choosing to do what's best for yourself. This is just a bump in the road. Things will get better for you! xoxo

  18. I can totally relate to this! Being a SAHM has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. We recently moved to a new city and I don't really know anyone, and that has been hard for me. I had a hard time a few weeks ago where I was crying a lot and not feeling like myself. I knew something needed to change. I have started visiting with a local moms group, and that has been awesome! Maybe once school starts you will be able to meet some of the other moms in her class!

    ps. If I saw you at the park I would totally talk to you!

  19. Bravo for this entire post! I've been there, and recognizing something it wrong is easy, but doing something about it is hard. You should be so proud of yourself!

    Have you thought about working PT outside your home? (And I don't mean it in that snarky, 'get a job, get a life' way at all!) What I mean is that we need interaction with other adults besides our spouses, and we need conversations about something other than what's going on in our daily lives. You may not have needed that 9, 5, or 2 years ago, but people change and our needs change, as well. Perhaps this would give you the little break you need from home & family to recharge your batteries and reset your mind every day. Some of us just need that to stay mentally healthy, AND there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. We're ALL DIFFERENT!

    And just know that some people don't realize that tattoos are our expressions of our inner selves. They're art and they're lovely! I have people in my life who think mine are hideous and ask me why would I want to mar myself permanently like that or why would I peirce myself? Hmmmm.... I'm gonna go with 'because I like my tattoos and just let me be happy with them, ok?' No one's forcing you to get one so shut it! :)Anyone who's talking about you negatively because of your tattoos would likely just find something ELSE to gripe about if you didn't have them. They're just unhappy people who probably sit and make comments about people all the time because it makes them feel better to judge others. Pity them, dear!

  20. I so relate to this. I've been on medication now for a bit and it's really helped me. I'm not cured by no means, I still have LOTS of bad days but I do find happiness now that I couldn't find before. It's hard feeling isolated. I hate the place we live (it's a very small everyone knows everyone town). I find it so hard to meet people who I have things in common with. I have said numerous times in the last 3 months that I just want to pack up and move. I need friends, I need interaction but yet I have 3 kids at home that needs me 100% of the time. My Husband too works A LOT so most of the time I parent by myself. I hope your medication helps you and if you ever need an ear to just listen and not judge, hit me up. I've been there..actually I am there so I completely understand.

  21. You already know how I feel about this! I am RIGHT there with you! Maddie's only going 2 hours a day but I feel like that right there will be a light to my tunnel! It IS stressful and boring staying at home doing the same thing everyday. It gets to the point that you just don't want to clean or cook or do the same thing you do every day. I go through periods where we eat quick/easy meals because I'm too tired to cook anything major, or I just don't want to cook. David'll come home & clean the house because I just didn't and I'll feel bad because I know he's tired and I know it's MY job but I just can't.... I can't bring myself to clean up the same mess that I've already cleaned up so so many times before. David & I have been at odds lately because my stress level has gone through the roof with our finances, with Maddie's whining, with Fin's boredom, with David's work crap and with Owen being all into everything... at the end of the day I just want to sit on my butt & do NOTHING because I'm so burnt out from doing everything over & over again that I'm just done with it all. I feel bad because I want to be that perfect mom and wife.... I want to be happy go lucky, Suzy homemaker but I can't. I have no social life, nothing to distract me from my everyday routine. I'm so excited for school to start back up, for me to have two hours a day with only baby Owen.
    And don't even get me started on these damn dogs.
    Plus our house is just not big enough for all of us- our Alaska house was more open and bigger so going from that to this just adds that much more stress on everything.
    David's told me to go see a Doctor but I just don't feel like I'm there yet--like I really NEED to. I'm probably in denial and I'm really hoping that when school starts and we're back to a normal schedule that I'll be better.
    I wish we lived closer. I'd be your friend and be shunned with you by other moms for having tattoos and my nose. I think my nose ring throws people off more than my tattoos because I have a lot less than you do. People are weird. You are awesome and I know that you know that. You just need reminding of that!! :)
    Hugs, friend!! <3

  22. Thank you! I hope you do talk to someone about how you feel- whether it's a friend, a relative, your significant other, or a doctor. Don't keep it all inside! Just getting it out can be a big relief and sometimes you need to hear yourself say it out loud for it to become real. I'm so glad you felt inspired after reading this & I hope you get to feeling better too!

  23. Thank you so much- I hope you get yours under control too. I've had bad experiences with doctors in the past, so I totally get what you're saying about feeling judged. I will try to stay positive & I hope you do too.

  24. Thank you Kara. I have been praying, but when I'm feeling really down I notice that I tend to keep it all inside more- even when it comes to prayer. I know I shouldn't do this, but sometimes I don't even want to pray about it because it just makes it more real...dumb I know. I should be doing the opposite! Thank you for reminding me of that.

  25. Thank you! It really does suck not having friends as an adult, and it's hard making them when you don't work or go to school. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely too- I hope you make some friends soon! I would love to hang out :) If I'm ever in Chicago or if you're ever in the Seattle area...:)

  26. Thank you! I'm just starting to stick my toes into the community within our church- so I'm hoping to make a couple of friends that way. And you're right, husbands don't get it, no matter how hard they try. Making friends sounds easy until you really sit & think about it. It's a weird concept to try to make friends as an adult when you don't work or go to school. Thanks for listening :)

  27. Thank you thank you thank you SO much for this. It's scary putting this out there because there's a stigma that goes along with being depressed or having anxiety, and it scares some people who have never had to deal with anything like this. If you haven't experienced it, I'm sorry, you just don't get it. It's hard being "on" every second of the day.

    The tattoo thing is redic...seriously. It's a total double standard too, because it's like they are OK, as long as you aren't covered. If you have a couple small, frilly, girly tattoos that's fine. But if you have a lot like me, you must be a felon and a shitty parent, right? haha. I haven't even had a speeding ticket in the last 10 years! (knock on wood)

  28. Thank you- in posting this I realize how many moms out there are feeling the same exact way. I hope we can all support each other as moms and realize that we can't do it all alone. If women were more supportive of each other like this, we'd have less lonely, depressed moms out there! I hope you get to feeling better and figure out what works best for you!

  29. Thank you! Having my thyroid checked is on my list of things to ask my doctor. I've been thinking about it off and on for the last couple of years (every 6 months or so a health issue will pop up & thyroid levels always seem to be a recurring question when I research it). I've had a few of the other symptoms for low thyroid, so I think it's time to get it checked! Hoping to find some answers soon :)

  30. Thank you! I have tried medication, but not for very long and maybe I just wasn't on the right one. Hoping to find something- whether it's a prescription or not- that will work for me. You're right, there is NOTHING wrong with taking it if you need it. I need to stop thinking of it as me being a failure if I can't handle it myself. Thanks for the reminder!

  31. YES! There is this pressure when being a mom to be perfect and to "cherish every second" when you're with your kids. Social media doesn't help because everyone's talking about how amazing their kids and lives are every second of the day and not many talk about the meltdowns, screaming, fighting, and the moments where you wish you could just get in your car & drive away somewhere by yourself! I've had those moments.

  32. Wow I'm sorry you're going through a funk! Maybe you need a vacation, I remember a blog post of yours from a couple years back saying you've never had one. You could do a volunteer opportunity in central america helping turtles or something meaningful like that. I find that vacations really recharge me.

  33. I think you are oh so brave for sharing this. I have gone thru these same feelings and I think whatever you need to do for YOU is what's important. You are a strong mama and woman and I'm happy to have found you thru the www. Just remember that in order to take care of others you need to take care of you and that's ok. HUGS friend! I appreciate you linkin up and will be sharing your story this weekend. XOXOXO

    Kristine -The Foley Fam {unedited}

  34. Thank you! I think a lot of it has to do with the pressure to perform and be the mom who can do it all and still be ecstatic about life and motherhood. It's hard and it's OK to admit it! And admit when you need help with things or need a break, as I'm starting to learn!

  35. Thank you! Hiding out always makes it worse, I know. I have a habit of doing that when I get bummed out. Talking about it usually helps :)

  36. Exactly! That's why I've been beating myself up over it too- it's summer and we're supposed to be having fun and enjoying the weather. Not sitting around feeling sorry for yourself- at least that's how it feels.

  37. Thank you Jessica! You've always been so encouraging :)

  38. Haha, thank you! I'm thinking of getting more involved at the school and maybe it will help/force me to meet some potential mom friends. Or it could be a horrible idea...we shall see! I'd totally talk to you at the park too :)

  39. Thank you! Yes, I really have actually thought about getting a part time job, but I'll have to see what the days & hours are like once school starts up in a few weeks. I'm not even sure what days/hours Lily will be in kindergarten yet, so I can't really plan anything yet. I've always had it in my mind that when the kids finally went to school I'd work, but now I'm not so sure. I'm definitely looking into some other ventures where I can make a little side $ and not actually be gone from the house working a job- so we'll have to see how things unfold in the next few weeks! I've got some ideas and inspiration brewing though... :)

  40. Yes- this so sounds like me! I really don't like the place we live now, so I know a lot of my feeling probably have something to do with that too. When your surroundings suck it kind of messes with everything else.

  41. Dude, all I can say is :) :) :) :)



  42. Everyone needs a break. My friends and I laugh at the women who just pretend everything's great and they love being with their kids 24/7. I love my son so much, but he drives me nuts! I can't wait for him to go to school sometimes! Nobody can be on all the time. Sounds like you've lost yourself a little. You are obviously very creative and staying home all the time has got to be really hard .When they go to school take that time and do things for yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself.


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